After watching and carefully considering David Lynch’s intellectual masterpiece Lost Highway I’ve come to the conclusion that my one goal is to dwell on how bad that movie was. This wasn’t a conscious choice, but rather a burning B.F. Skinneresque fear. Every time something bad has happened to me in the last few days, from my aunt passing away to stubbing my toe really hard, I can’t help but associate it with that piece of crap film. I spent my entire Christmas day printing up the following poster, and pinning it up around town:
Do you know why? Because as a responsible Bush-hating Democrat, it is now my American patriotic responsibility to believe Mumia is a cold-blooded killer.
It will be no surprise to you that politicians sometimes don’t keep their campaign promises, but usually they don’t also venture off into the surreal. Ok, the Democrats were supposed to:
1) Impeach George Bush
2) End all war and usher in a new era of peace and tolerance, which will not only end the darkest chapter in human history (a few payed soldiers getting killed in Iraq has nothing on the Holocaust!) and usher in a new epoch which humanity will remember always as its Golden Age.
3) Restore Habeas Corpus and all the other rights that have been stripped of freedom-loving Americans.
Now let’s ignore the fact that most of these soldiers, if they weren’t getting blown up in Iraq, are so poor and uneducated and American, they would be homeless. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to America, but let me try and explain: Big cities in America are fucking swimming-pools of homeless children. Not regular homelessness, like in other countries. I’m talking about the kind of homelessness you’d be pressed to see in a Brazilian shanty-town.
If these American soldiers weren’t being payed to get blown up and decapitated, they’d be asking you for spare change (crack money). And if the average tolerance-loving Democrat was asked for spare change by one of these would-be soldiers, the average Democrat would kick the crack-head in the face, go home to watch Lost Highway, and meditate on how tolerant and un-Bush-like and intelligent they are.
The War in Iraq: The Only Thing Keeping America’s Streets Clean of Fucking Crack-Heads
But all that aside, what was the first action of the war-hating Democrats? Not to end the war or impeach Bush or restore basic human rights as they said, but rather to:
1) Declare Mumia 100% guilty.
2) Threaten to declare war on France.
Now, why the fuck would you declare war on France? Even us France-lovers* can think of a lot of good reasons to declare war on France. The first thing that comes to mind is that the most American-critical country ever has a Secret Service which is hundreds of times more corrupt than the CIA actually has the competence to be.
*I <3 you France! But I can also morally justify killing you all. Just sayin’.
But the Democrats have managed to prove their hope-inspiring retardation in an embarrassingly public way by not even thinking of a good reason to declare war on France. Their reason:
There’s a street in a small town in France you’ve never heard of called ‘Rue Mumia’.
Now I’m not even sure these small-town Frenchies have ever even heard of the Mumia, because in towns that small, you don’t fucking have electricity or even learn to read. Case in point: Australia. But, seriously, say it out loud with me: Rue Mumia! That is a fun fucking word to pronounce. And the American Congress wants to kill them, for that very reason. Gee, America, I wonder why everyone wants to blow you the fuck up?
For these and many many other reasons, I have Decided to establish a BLOG-SPECIFIC RATINGS-SYSTEM, WHICH OFFICIALLY MAKES ME PROFESSIONAL.
DRUNKEN BOXING??!?!??!?!?!? Best rating!
See "Seven Samurai"
Worst Ever
Every thing goes down one point for having any connection whatsoever to Scientology. Why?
1) Every movie a Scientologist has ever made, save ‘Get Shorty’ and ‘Pulp Fiction’, is only slightly less interesting than watching fucking dust settle. Keep in mind this is a religion where dead aliens are punished by having to watch good movies. They have a vested interest in keeping movies boring.
2) Yeah, I’m might tolerate your little Kool-Aide Cult a bit more if your God, L. Ron Hubbard, didn’t openly admit that you use lawsuits not to win, but stretch out the cases in order to drive people into bankruptcy, or as Hubbard himself put it "to harass". Great fucking sense of morality your fucking Religion/Philosophy has.
You know, I’m about the most tolerant person to ever live who wasn’t Gandhi, that adorable little Paki. I don’t even care if you make shitty movies. But the second you use reckless law-suits as a threat, you are the fuckhead cultist cunt of the universe. I believe in a little thing called Law, Order, Peace and Good Government, and when you intentionally undermine that not only to push your own agendas, but to literally and admittedly ruin people’s lives, you cross the fucking line. Tom Cruise, John Travolta, I can’t fucking wait till you kill yourselves for your fucked-up cult, you deranged fucking psychos.
By the way, I live in Canada, the greatest fucking country on earth. Why is it so great? Because you can sue Scientologists for reckless law-suiting and win. Try and touch me here you fucking cunts.
So, as an example of my new system, here is an example review:
My Review of John Woo’s ‘The Killer’
Most perfect movie ever made in every way. At the end, I cried man tears of pure testosterone. But,
John Woo many years later made a movie with Tom Cruise, undermining most of his achievements.
My final rating:
