Men in Black - 96th Best Movie

January 25, 2007

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Rip Torn, Girl Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series. 

 

Men in Black star Rip Torn is Best Known for his Role on ‘The Larry Sanders Show’. A comedy about the industry?! It’s like I’m laughing with the stars!

There’s nothing more I love watching than Rich Actors bitch about their jobs! It must be so difficult reading lines on camera, and then making millions of dollars!

Some of you might have a bias against Men In Black, and I don’t blame you. I remember for a few years there, you couldn’t go a fucking minute without hearing those stupid fucking Will Smith songs. Especially ‘Gettin’ Jiggy With It’. Why the fuck do they play songs so much like that? Even if it’s a good song, do you think I’m going to go out and buy the CD when I hear that song everywhere I go, or every time I turn on the radio? Do I need to hear "Jiggy" in my sleep as well? That’s a rhetorical question, because when you play the same retarded song that often, I start to hear it in my fucking nightmares.

This is a hilarious comedy (or ‘an hilarious comedy’ as we film critics say), with lots of cools special effects and so on, but the thing that really makes this film a classic is all the retarded closplayers you get when you do an image search. Even better than the cosplayers is the fucks who cleverly spoof this movie by wearing a suit, or black clothing.

A-hahaha! They’re priests! They’re Men in Black! A-haha! Good one Guys!

Avoid the sequel if possible. It has it’s moments, but for the most part it’s a turd. Speaking of Sonnenfeld sequels, avoid, at every fucking cost, that piece of shit ‘Adams Family Values’. Come to think of it, Sonnenfeld is lucky to have make two or three good movies considering he’s not much more than a Tim Burton-wannabe. I like a lot of Burton films, but you could easily pick a less gothy idol. Suicide time-bomb isn’t something to aspire to, man.

Most of the Rotten Tomatoes critics admit they like this, with reservation (’It’s good, for Hollywood, that is, if Hollywood could even be called good. I mean, not a single person came out of the closet, and it seemed to almost glorify females, instead of geniusly suggesting they should all be killed! But I mean it was alright, in an unintellectual sort of way’).
However, one reviewer, Mick LaSalle, or as he’ll be known to posterity, "Einstein TIMES INFINITY", was brave enough to defy even his Mensa group and pan this movie:
 
‘At times, it may succeed at manipulating you, but you won’t like it."
 
HOLY SHIT! God forbid someone trick me into being entertained! Once I thought I enjoyed myself watching a movie, and it turns out it was all a clever ruse! I felt like I’d been raped!
 
And do you know what the point of reading a review is, fuckhead? It’s to hear your opinion, not what you think mine will be. I already know my fucking opinion, asshole. For example: In my opinion, the Chronicle should throw your ass on the street.
 
But seriously, thank you for telling me what I think, White Jesus.
 
"Men in Black'’ is summer fluff that admits to being summer fluff, but it’s no better off for admitting it… Sonnenfeld uses odd angles and wide lenses to view the action with a sardonic eye, as if the onscreen events were a joke between director and audience. But if “Men in Black'’ is a joke, who’s the joke on?"
 
I think he just tried to out-wink you, Men-in-Black. What a wonderful Yin and Yang: Sometimes a great success is just as entertaining as a spectacular fail. Let me try to be a critic, "Who’s the joke on? Why, the consumer who just payed fifty cents for this newspaper! Haha, good show!"
 
Finally we figure out what our fine Mr. LaSalle didn’t like about the film: 
 
"After the laughs comes the uneasiness. The men in black make the shenanigans in the Nixon White House look naive, a pair of Constitution-flouting functionaries as heroes. At one point, K explains to young Agent J that the public must be protected from itself, that people do not need to know the truth."
 
What the fuck?!?!? This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in my life. Nixon? "Constitution-Flouting"? Listen, Dr. LaSalle, this film is a parody of what stupid people believe, and if that offends your sense of ethics, maybe it’s time to look deep within.
 
It takes a special kind of prick to use a review about a UFO-comedy to write a scathing condemnation of a dude that no one likes, and who by that time had already been dead a few years. Hey, the next movie I’m going to review is "Run, Lola, Run!" And I’m using it as an opportunity to show that tyrant Augustus what for!
 

 I found this delightful gem doing an image search: Fat-Cracker and Whitey (pictured) Charm their Way into our Hearts and Funnybones in this Spot-on Internet Parody of a Blockbuster Film!

 
Ugly-Sexy - The chick is pretty hot, actually, and a good actress. She single-handedly salvaged that heavy-handed swing-and-miss Dogma. But she’s not really in this one too much. I hate it when they use a pretty girl as a prop. Like, either write a decent character, or fore-go boobies in your movie. If I want to see boobs for no other reason than to see boobs, I have heaps of porn bookmarked. I watch a comedy to laugh not to masturbate.
 
Oh, and that knowing smirk? Don’t fucking do that please. 
 
Anti-Establishment - Not only not anti-establishment, but it manages to piss off people who still have a bone to pick with Nixon, or at least it manages to piss off paranoid psychos like Mark LaSalle, who presumably lives in some unibomber shack in the woods still gritting his teeth that this movie would mock the horrible truths about Nixon shredding Area 51 documents that he’s || this close to uncovering.
 

This From a Site that Made me Scream "What the Fuck Kind of Parents?" Ladies and Gentlemen, We’re Looking at the Next  JonBenet Ramsey.
 
Rock and Roll -  The music here is shit. As soon as you see the credits coming press stop. I already spend the entire latter half of the nineties listening to that retarded song.
 
Rotten Tomatoes Pull-Quote -  I enjoyeth this film as one enjoys watching a small child complete a crossword puzzle! Amusing only in its primitive barbarism! Jolly good! Well I never!

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Motherfucking Wordpress

January 21, 2007

 


If you ever start a blog of your own, don’t use wordpress. Here’s why:

You might have noticed my Pulp Fiction article made no fucking sense at all. I wasn’t trying to be impressionistic there: Fucking Wordpress fucked it up. You see, I wrote my post in notepad, and copied/pasted it, and for some fucking reason, when you copy/paste onto wordpress, entire paragraphs don’t show fucking up. And now that I’ve fixed it, for some reason it italicizes half the article, and I can’t make it stop.

I’m seriously going to look for a new host for this blog. Wordpress, Blogsome: Fuck you, you cunts. 

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Hundred Best Movies - Supplementary Feature

January 20, 2007

When I was using Google Image Search to find some Pulp Fiction pics to steal for the last article, I saw a dark underbelly of the Internet I never want to see again.

The first site I tried was some kind of insane fan fiction site, or possibly some kind of proposed sequel. I was going to link it, but I was sort of embarrassed for the author’s sake and thought he would be best off left alone, in his tiny, but no doubt more comfortable, isolated world, safe from the pity and scorn his site begs for.

Then I find this movie review site where they claimed Pulp Fiction was "The American Graffiti of Crime Movies". Fucking what? American Graffiti? American fucking Graffiti? If I had never seen Pulp Fiction before, and I read that review, I would never touch any Tarantino flick fucking ever.

And then, to intensify the madness, I get linked to this motherfucking German site with fifty fucking Java applets on it. My CPU went fucking insane for fifteen minutes - so insane that I couldn’t turn off or reboot it. Once I finally got the computer working again and restarted, my Firefox was broken, so I had to fucking reinstall it thanks to that fucking Kraut, and I lost all my RRSes.

Well, my first reaction was to loudly scream that the Krauts never suffered for the Holocaust and that we should start killing all their women and children indiscriminately. I calmed down a bit, though, and I take back my genocide-revenge threats, but I will say this: I will give Firefox or Google literally two months salary to make it so it blocks system-destroying pages, or to assassinate the guy who invented Java who is once again leading the very impressionable German race down yet another dark and dangerous path.

In conclusion, having had a chance to observe some of Pulp Fiction’s fans, I’m strongly considering taking it off my ‘best of’ list.

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Pulp Fiction - 97th Best Movie

Director: Quitin Tarantino Starring: Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Faceless-Suicide-Cult Shithead  Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series. 

 

I don’t think I need to say much about the movie itself. I’m sure you could google "pulp fiction" and find all kinds of motherfucking crazy essays about how this movie is a deep and elaborate metaphor for life or something. Who fucking reads those anyway? I’m not gonna say this wasn’t one of the best movies of all times, but it was a flawed classic.

Ugly Sexy - This movie is what the ‘ugly-sexy’ category was created for. Uma Therman is pretty hot, but Jesus Christ Quintin managed to make her annoying. Here’s the problem when a video-store clerk virgin makes movies: Girls with "Free Spirits".  You know, the kind of girl who goes to off-beat restaurants, and has a craaaazy haircut, and uses obscure, outdated slang and other words people never fucking use?

When I was fourteen, I thought a certain kind of girl was hot. The kind of girl who wore wacky clothing and said random shit and went to quirky hang-outs. Their eccentricity was attractive: they were "free spirits" and boy did I want their pussy to take me to magical lands of non-conformity.

Of course, I grew up a bit and started dating some of those free spirit girls. It turns out that all the random shit they say is just to cover up how boring they are on the inside, and the wacky clothes and quirky restaurants reflect some fucked up low self-esteem issues. On top of that they’re unpredictably bitchy. I’m sure it makes them think they’re edgy when they scream at you about how you’re too hypnotized by society or whatever, but they really just come across as cunts. 

Look at that fucking hair. What the shit? I believe at this point in the film she was saying "What’s the diddly-o, Daddy-o?" or something retarded.

And that’s the girls on this film - especially Uma’s character. A fourteen year old virgin’s wet dream and an older guy’s disturbing nightmare.

See, when Quitin was making this movie, he still hadn’t become massively famous yet, so he hadn’t gotten layed and still thought that bullshit was hot. Thank God bitches have been ganking him for his dollars between the success of this movie and the making of Kill Bill, because he finally figured out how to make a sexy girl hot. Which shouldn’t be a fucking challenge if you think about it.

Anyhow, this movie’s sexiness is mainly targeted at the ladies, not the fellas. Hell, half the movie is shirtless guys with reassuring smiles. I’m not into that, but I can enjoy this softcore porn for the art behind it - never before has man-flesh been whored in such a creative way. I mean, I’m not really into guys, but the ladies need eye-candy too, and I’m sophisticated enough enjoy this film platonically.

Anti-establishment Angst - I didn’t pick anything up, but I’d do a google if I were you. This fucking action-comedy has been so fucking over-analysed that I’m sure someone out there has explained in detail that it’s a metaphor for, I dunno, Ronald Reagan or some shit.

Rock and Roll - The music on this is fucking awesome. So awesome indeed that they decided not to include a lot of it on the soundtrack. Thanks a fucking lot. You’ve sure convinced me not to file-share!!!

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98th Best Movie - Smoke Signals

January 18, 2007

 Director: Chris Eyre Starring: Adam Beach, Evan Adams, Irene Bedard Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series. 

 

This was my original review:

—–

I’m not sure if I’m allowed to joke about natives, because in my part of Canada we’re still fucking them over pretty bad and I don’t wanna sound like a dumbshit redneck. Aside from that, I get the feeling that this movie was saying something important about contemporary life as a native, and I’ve never lived on a rez or anything, so I might sound a bit foolish. So I’m going to just say that this is a really good movie that you should see, and address another related issue.

I saw this movie while I was living in San Fransisco, at this little indy theatre. It wasn’t in a gay part of town, and so I didn’t realize till it was too late that this was a very gay theatre that was playing a non-gay movie (I found out later that they mainly play gay romantic comedies). How did I realize this at the time? Because I was drinking a lot of pop, I go to take a piss, and instead of urinals in the men’s room, they had two lidless toilets that were literally touching. Fucking touching, which means that if you yourself are taking a pee, you have to rub up against the dude next to you. Motherfucker.

Hey, that’s fine if you only play gay pornos and you want gay people to have gay sex in your theatre, but this movie wasn’t about gayness at all, goddamnit.

I respect the gay community, and I want us all to live together in marriage and peace, but maybe you’d get more friends amongst the straights if you didn’t make them pee while touching you in your movie theatres. You know, some people have trouble peeing when there’s someone else around - I’m not saying me, but some people - so that’s like x10 when you have to pee while touching someone.

—

But then I look this movie up on Rotten Tomatoes and what do I fucking see?

"A resolutely so-so movie puffed beyond all recognition by non-First Nation critics looking to expiate their dimly-felt sense of historic debt."
 
What a dumb whitey cunt. I get APTN and I’ve seen a lot of crappy stupid movies and shows from the First Nations, but this wasn’t one of those. This movie was fucking hardcore. That fuckhead probably thought of that pull-quote before he even fucking saw the movie.
 
But I figured, "Maybe this dude isn’t a dumb cunt, and he was just having a bad day." So I decided to do a little research:
 
This ugly cracker, Martin Scribbs (not pictured for your sake), calls himself The Low IQ Canadian. That name already leads me down two dark and depressing paths of ’shiteater’. This guy is either some middle-class dude trying to transparently and pathetically sell himself as working-class, or he’s so ironic he’s actually evolved into a new type of human being that we mere average-intelligence mortals couldn’t possibly hope to understand. The pull-quote lead me to believe it was the former, but as soon as I saw the first ten-page Matrix essay I knew he was the infinitely-worse latter.
 
Seriously, one of this asshole’s top movies of all time was ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. After watching that shit I began to realize that all there is to making a critically acclaimed masterpiece is to use wacky camera techniques, poetry quotes and make sure none of my shots last longer than an eighth of a second.
 
This pale fucking bleach jug even calls himself a fucking poet, and in addition to movie reviews, writes lengthy essays like "Fifteen Critical Styles — And Three Hypothetical Approaches" and "Capitalist Culture and Its Discontents". This is the kind of upper-middle-class snobby shithead that makes me literally want to kill every fucking white person I see. I wrote a little poem for you, Martin "Genius" Scribbs. It’s "free-form" poetry as you intellectuals say:
 
whitey cunt
can’t shut his mouth
shiv the fucking cracker 
 
See. I didn’t capitalize it, which is symbolic for my generation’s disdain for capitalism. Can I join your superior brainy culture now?
 
In other news, the chick in smoke signals is a fucking hottie:
 
 
 

 

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99th Best Film - Envy

Director: Barry Levinson Starring: Ben Stiller, Jack Black. Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series. 

 

So, one day, I got these advanced screening tickets from someone, and the movie was Envy.  I laughed, the person I was with laughed, everyone in the theatre laughed. A few months later, my ex-girlfriend’s sister calls me up just to say to me, "Caio, I just saw the best movie in the world. It’s about SHIT!" And I said, "Envy? That was the funniest movie in history!"

The real odd part about that is that before she saw Envy, she used to try and beat me with things because I was sexing her sister, and because I’m Catholic and she’s Serbian and I think they kill Catholics and shit. But after that, we were best of friends, just because of that movie. I want you to contemplate that for a moment, dear readers: This movie fixed the conflict in the Balkans. Bulgaria and Romania just joined the EU and before this movie came out, they were building rape camps for each other’s children to be raped in.

Earlier today, I found out Photobucket censored my fucking medical diagram of a vagina. It had fucking arrows and Latin words and everything. I was going to post a picture of a Serbian Rape Camp here, but instead I’ll post a picture of Nelson Mandela’s Jail cell and loudly chant ‘Attica’ to myself till something fucking changes.


So, I figured seeing as everyone I know who has seen this movie has loved it, I just figured it was universally accepted as a classic. Well, I did a bit of hardcore internet research just a few minutes before I started writing this and it turns out it’s considered a massive failure. What the fucking shit? I’m still trying to figure out the dystopian backwards-universe I woke up in this morning, but I think I have a theory why this movie didn’t take off:

This is a message movie but also basically a big long joke about dog shit. People who like message movies consider themselves too good for dog shit jokes, and people who find dog shit jokes funny don’t really like being preached to.

Hey yes, I’m intellectual enough to base my moral decisions on what Steven Spielberg tells me about potato aliens, but damnit, I’m not going to pretend I’m smart just because I take my life-lessons from fucking two hour movies. I mean Jesus fucking Motherfucker, if you get your fucking intellectual inspiration from movies, you’re not fucking in any place to consider yourself too good for something.

Of course, the critics are a school of pretentious fish. When a couple of "smart" critics say they don’t like a movie, the rest swim along just so they can look like goateed fucking snobs too. Hey asshole critics: My French is a bit rusty, but I’m pretty sure ‘café society’ doesn’t translate as ‘write ten page essays about how Matrix changed your life and weigh five hundred pounds’. Wanting to eat Trinity and/or Keanu’s pussy doesn’t make you smart no matter how many gibberish religion references they make or in what amazingly high percentile of ‘morbidly obese’ and ‘virgin’ you fall into.

Check Rotten tomatoes. There was only one reviewer who had the balls to admit what a good movie this was in the face of the crowd:



That’s right. This fucking 90 year old fossil from fucking Colorado, featured writer for ‘The Colorado Senior Beacon’ has managed to out-smart, out-class and generally out-do every fuckhead critic on fucking earth. This woman is too old to remember when she’s not supposed to pee, and yet she still has the brains and balls to recognize a good movie in the face of public pressure.

You know what, I have a new fucking hero, and it’s not that tub of shame and bitterness Roger Ebert. I just added her top movie of all time ‘Cocoon’ to my Nexflix queue because I’m not living under this soul-draining fattyocricy any longer.

Ugly-Sexy - The one girl in this is the googly-eyed chick from SNL. I kind of have a hard time evaluating a person’s hotness when their googly-eyes suggest to me that at any moment she’s going to stab someone for crack money.


The other girl, though, is pretty hot, in a "friend of freaky crackhead" sort of way.

Establishment Fighting - Here’s the major flaw about people who fight the system via movies: Jack Black is supposed to be this Rock-and-Roll Non-Conformity Rebel or some shit, right. Well, when this movie went into post-production, he said he thought it "rocked" in a bunch of interviews. After the critics bitched it out, he apologized for it at Cannes. At motherfucking Cannes.

First off, if you’re this rough-edged irreverant rock and roller, what the fuck are you doing motherfucking at that arthouse shitfest? Second off, if you’re so against the establishment and conformity, why the fuck aren’t you sticking to your guns? You know this is a good movie, I know it’s a good movie, don’t pussy out infront of the cool kids, especially when those cool kids wear turtlenecks and barettes and think David Lynch makes an important statement. Some geriatric in a nursing home named Betty-Jo recently out-rock-and-rolled you on your own fucking turf, you pussy. I mean fuck, it’s not like those Cannes metrosexuals (notice my enlightened PC alternative to ‘fags’) actually like any movie that can’t be described as Kafkaesque or some other suicide queerboy shit.


By the way, you phoney Cannes cunts, reading The Stranger/Outsider doesn’t make you smart: that book is only like fifty fucking pages - I’ve read articles in People longer than that shit -  and characters not having motivations isn’t smart and isn’t some secret message, it’s what talentless people write. At least Stephan fucking King, who you bitch about perpetually, actually has characters who don’t just do random shit for no reason.

Rock and Roll - Mark Mothersburg + the Four Tops make this, pretty much, the greatest movie in history. Except they should have used ‘Bernadette’ instead of that sugar-pie song. You know how intelligent movie buffs cry when a Black Flower weeps tears of blood? That’s how I cry when I hear Bernadette.

It’s not retarded, it’s KAFKAESQUE!
 


Rotten Tomatoes Pull-quote - People Rotten Tomatoes links to are Cunts.

(by the way, I hope you enjoy that rainbow joke, because I’m partially colour-blind, and I had to literally steal HTML from a geocities gay activism site to make that work you lazy disrespectful shits) 

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100th Best Film - The Royal Tenenbaums

January 16, 2007

 Fucking Sweat Suits, Man. Sweat Suits!!

Part of my 100th Best Movies in History Series

First off - How the fuck do your parents and husband not notice you smoke? Do you know when my mom found out I smoked? About a day or two after I started smoking. And it’s not because I lit a smoke in front of her - cigarettes make you smell. Smell like smoke, you ignorant fucker. And ask a non-smoker what it’s like to kiss someone who smokes. According to all the non-smokers I’ve kissed, "Waaaaa! Bitch Bitch Bitch!"

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


I’ve got this theory that you could take the shittiest movie, put Bill Murray in it, and it would be fucking classic. Have you ever seen ‘The Man who Knew Too Little’? Or ‘Ghostbusters II’. Those were fucking awful for the most part, but Bill Murray turned them into gold. Hell, most Bill Murray movies are a painful exercise in waiting for the Bill Murray parts. 

The best example of this is that turd Rushmore. Jesus Christ that was a shitty movie. It was a stupid story with stupid dialogue and stupid directing and the most annoying fucking kid I’ve ever been aware of. Jesus Christ you don’t put annoying ugly people on film - we watch movies to escape from people like that. Humanity fucking crawls with them like lice. But, it was still one of the funniest, most thought provoking movies ever. And it wasn’t Wes Anderson’s genius, goddamnit. It was Bill Murray doing what he does best - salvaging a turd.

There’s a weird enigma with Wes: the critics love this guy, but he makes, you know, comedies. Aren’t you intellectuals supposed to scorn comedy because it represents the moral decay of culture or something?

That brings up a good question, intellectuals: What are we supposed to hate when we’re smart? Borgois or Proletariats? Because you seem to hate both, and I don’t even think there is nobility anymore so I’m pretty sure that means you hate everyone. Except apparently yourself. Get a load of this shit:

"Filmmaker Martin Scorsese is a fan of Anderson’s, praising Bottle Rocket and Rushmore and calling Anderson "the next Scorsese" in an Esquire magazine article."

What the fuck is that shit? Have I fucking gone insane or did he actually say that shit? In brown-nose light-sell Esquire no less. Jesus fucking Christ.

Scorsese, you make some OK movies, but fucking seriously. What the fuck is that shit? You need to stop hanging out with all the ass-kisses who call you a genius, or you’re just going to keep making fucking half-assed turds like Departed. What kind of bizarre fucked up suck-up world of delusion do you have to live in by giving a "compliment" like that?


Scorsese geniusly contemplating how many times he can include Rolling Stones hit ‘Gimme Shelter’ into his next feature film, turns on ‘The Classic Rock Morning Squad with Crazy Carl’ for continuing genius inspiration.

Ugly Sexy - Wes made Morticia Adams way uglier and older than she need to be. And Cameron Diaz, or whoever ‘boring blond pointless love interest’ was, some advice: flat and emotionless is definitely the way to deliver all your lines, it makes your character ‘edgy’ not ‘talentlessly underdeveloped by a shitty actress with fake boobs’.

Anti-Man Violence - Thanklessly absent from a movie that lays it on pretty thick to tries and seem smart.

Rock and Roll - Actually a pretty fucking good soundtrack for old songs. They even manage to stick in some Rolling Stones songs that haven’t been shoved down my throat my entire life. You know, Scorsese, he’s not the next you, he’s more talented. He can actually stick a Rolling Stones song in his movie that’s not from their abridged greatest-of. Believe it or not, there are more than fucking ten Rolling Stones Songs to put in your fucking movie.

Rotten Tomatoes Pull-Quote - You V and you ^ stop kissing Scorsese’s shark-jumped ass. I don’t wanna sit through another fucking Departed.

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Hundred Best Movies in HISTORY

 


My Broken Dreams (pictured), Shattered By Mediocre Lists

I have something to confess to you, internet: I love lists. I love them like my fucking mother. I know that’s not as shocking an internet confession as you might find on a Calvin and Hobbes porn site, but bear with me here.

Because my love of lists has more to do with libido than quality, your list doesn’t have to be that good to interest me, but fuck, some lists out there are totally pretentious bullshit. The point of a list is to be meaningful in some way, not to prove to me what a stuck-up shithead you are.I’m not going to respect you if you make a list of your favourite fruits, and list ‘cantaloupe’ over ‘blueberry’. It makes me think you’re a fucking asshole, not some genius who loves the unappreciated joys of life.

 

 You’ve got some serious personality problems if you see this as being anything but fucking disgusting.


That’s why it’s dissapointing to me that every show about lists is total crap: So much wasted potential. I’ve seen one too many lists shows involving The American Film Institute, Rolling Stone Magazine and VH1 to ever trust the TV for my lists again.

Why the fuck are sixty year-old baby-boomers so fucking narscisistic? Like, if I believed TV, that’s the fucking gerneration that literally represents the peak of human existence. Jesus Christ, you nostalgic cunts, stop talking about your high and mighty collective ideals. Sure, my generation might not have come up with any song as meaningful as ‘Keep on Truckin’ (YEAH! Keep on truckin’: how much fucking mush do you have to eat before that shit becomes meaningful to your generation?) or any movie as deeply insightful as Easy Rider (in which rebelliously long hair and motorcycles on film seriously came this close || to bringing down THE MAN), but Jesus Christ stop pretending like evevery fucking person your age is a super-genius bent on taking down the system.

—–
Armed with Only his VHS of ‘Steal this Movie’, his bootleg of the The Who reunion tour (featuring the two remaining members of the band), a pudding spoon and a dream, this typical baby-boomer (pictured) lives and dies to fight the Rock and Roll war against conformity.

—-

What really shits me about the whole thing is that these post-middle aged people who watch VH1 think that they’re still fighting the establishment. Fucking how? By sitting on your ass and listening to music and watching movies all day? You know, in history class we learned about these big peasant rebellions, where people would grab fucking pitchforks, and, later, guns and fucking kill the fuck out of anything they see. That’s a fucking rebellion: Killing and expecting to be killed. Watching TV is not fucking rebelling, especially if you’re watching VH1 documentaries about music that came out fourty-odd years ago.

Hey, fuckheads, get a load of this: The last person to be honestly offended by watching Elvis dance died decades ago.

Don’t tell me listening to Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan is fighting the man. All those old dudes are living in fucking multiple mansions right now. Call me a rebellion purist, but typically the goal of a rebellion is to kill people who live in multiple mansions, not listen to them over and over again.

And what the hell is the meaning of rebellion in music anyway? Every style of music is called rebellious nowadays, from rock, to country, to techno to (thanks to VH1) Adult contemporary. Has it ever occurred to you that in a society where everyone considers themselves a Rebel, it’s pretty hard to find anything to rebel against? rebelling against other rebels isn’t fucking cool, it’s retarded.


THE ENEMY


Here’s one thing about the purity of your generation’s great ideals, you geriatric Rolling Stone Magazine cuntwads: When my generation doesn’t like a war, they still are curtious enough to spout out meaningless phrases like "We Still Support the Troops". When your generation doesn’t like a war, you spit at fucking vets in wheelchairs who were drafted in the first place. Is spitting at people in wheelchairs the perfect hippy society you were trying to create? Is hurting people in wheelchairs the motherfucking high ideals that VH1 always blabs on about?

Fuck you, baby-boomers. I prefer my "unenlightened" Generation which doesn’t fucking spit at cripples.

-

So, if TV wont offer me a best-of list which doesn’t primarily focus on heads up asses, I’m making my own damned list of the 100 greatest movies of history. As a history major, I am qualified to do that. No pretentious arthouse crap, no fighting the man. No fucking hypocrite 90-year old hippies. Just pure good movies, start to finish.

Try and follow my train of thought here: I figured I’d need a standardized way of rating these movies, but when movies get this damned good, one to ten stars just can’t do it, so I’ve decided not to rate them on how good they are, but on how much they don’t suck. And who is the world expert on suck? Rolling Stone Magazine. And what is Rolling Stone Magazine’s Highest ideal? Sex and Violence and Rock and Roll. Specifically:

Ugly Sex - When you take a lot of drugs, or are an ugly film director who spent most of their life reading books about lenses, you’ve probably never met a woman, even if you are one. I look at AFIs top hundred, and I see a fucking hundred Angelina Jolies: Ugly but with boobs, and they act like they’re fucking retarded, or as movie makers prefer to call it "free spirits". Yeah, that’s what I thought was hot when I was 15 but then I met some girls and realized big-tittied girls with free spirits are annoying as hell, and usually fucking psychoes.

Violence - Specifically, FIGHTING THE MAN. 

 I found an article about this metal band called "The Darkness". According to Rolling Stones Editors, they still remember how to Rock! Which, as the article explains, means they sound exactly like old bands from the 70s.


Rock and Roll - You’ll notice every AFI list manages to include every fucking Scorcese movie ever made. Why? Because Scorsese scores every fucking movie of his with whatever was playing on the local classic Rock station at the time.

Hey, Scorcese, I might not be a genius visionary or anything, but does every fucking movie you make have to have the song ‘Gimme Shelter’? I’ll admit that was a pretty good song, but Jesus Christ does it have to be in every fucking movie? In what fucked up dislogic reality is repeating someone else’s song for thirty years "genius", and do local DJs "Monkey" Mike and the Monkey Crew on local radio station "Classic Rock 106.1" qualify?

I think the low point in Scorcese’s career was having the intense, climax, car-chase scene in Goodfellas backed by the slow-ass George Harrison love ballad. That music is already doing well as the damned background for elevators and supermarkets, for the sole reason that it’s easy to ignore and not disruptive.


FUCKIN INTENSE!!!


Maybe before interesting was invented, acoustic love ballads really got your andrenaline pumping, but fuck, we’ve fucking progressed. I guess if I was old enough to find hippy love songs appropriate for a tough-ass car chase, I’d be too old to listen to anything else without having a stroke anyway.

Just to prove how razor-sharp and effective my ratings system is, I’ll use it to rate The Worst Movie of All Time:

LOST HIGHWAY

 


 
Ugly Sex - There’s lots of nudity in this movie, but it about what you’d expect from an elderly man who is afraid of vagina.

Certified David Lynch Repellent. Also, beginners guide to finding the clit, kiddies.
 

Anti-the man violence - Ponder this for fucked up: The protagonist, the good guy, is oppressed by the oppression system. And why is he a good guy? He found out his wife did a porn before they met and so he kills her, but society forbids it. AWW POOR GUY. If that’s your rebellions dream of a perfect future, you’ve got some nice high ideals asshole.

You know what. If my girlfriend did a porn, like, last night, that might convince me to, you know, break up with her. I might be mad enough to contemplate killing her, but I wouldn’t, because I’m not a fucking psycho. You can get mad at a girl for shit like that, but you don’t fucking kill her.

But if my girlfriend did a porn, like, ten years ago before we even met, I’d be creeped out, maybe even disgusted, but my mind isn’t fucked up enough to even consider killing her. You know what? We all have our dirty secrets that are best left in the past. If you think every woman you go with should be a pure-as-snow virgin, you’re living in crazy land where the murderers are the victims.

Is that rebelling? If so, than I’m sorry, I can’t follow your woman-killing pussy-fearing rebellion. If it’s unenlighted of me to think that murder is worse than sex, and that wife-killers are poor, oppressed saints, then slap me in a sweater and an SUV because I’m the biggot preventing your perfect utopia.

Rock and Roll - This movie starts us off with a nice face-full of avant guard fucking jazz. I’m not talking about the smooth Coltrane shit which is tolerable. I’m talking about nails on chalkboards. This is the kind of music 17 year-olds play to sound hip when in reality they can’t play their fucking instruments. But that’s not so bad.

Towards the end of the movie, when the director runs out of ideas to steal, the movie drops it’s pretencions of ever having had a plot and the whole thing turns into a fucking impressionistic rock video for NIN and Marilyn Manson and Ramstein. Who the fuck are you rebelling against by the way? The kind of crazy cooks who get offended by Marilyn Manson are pretty rare, and I’ve never seen one in person, because they all live in rural Colorado. However, I have seen about a million kids with slashed-up wrists and NIN t-shirts in person. When millions of upper-middle-class kids are offending a couple of poor people in trailers, guess who the rebel is? The large crowd of rich people or the two or three poor people? Guess!!!

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So you know, movies, new feature. Check back frequently!!! List to come!!! 

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