100th Best Film - The Royal Tenenbaums
Fucking Sweat Suits, Man. Sweat Suits!!
Part of my 100th Best Movies in History Series
First off - How the fuck do your parents and husband not notice you smoke? Do you know when my mom found out I smoked? About a day or two after I started smoking. And it’s not because I lit a smoke in front of her - cigarettes make you smell. Smell like smoke, you ignorant fucker. And ask a non-smoker what it’s like to kiss someone who smokes. According to all the non-smokers I’ve kissed, "Waaaaa! Bitch Bitch Bitch!"
I’ve got this theory that you could take the shittiest movie, put Bill Murray in it, and it would be fucking classic. Have you ever seen ‘The Man who Knew Too Little’? Or ‘Ghostbusters II’. Those were fucking awful for the most part, but Bill Murray turned them into gold. Hell, most Bill Murray movies are a painful exercise in waiting for the Bill Murray parts.
The best example of this is that turd Rushmore. Jesus Christ that was a shitty movie. It was a stupid story with stupid dialogue and stupid directing and the most annoying fucking kid I’ve ever been aware of. Jesus Christ you don’t put annoying ugly people on film - we watch movies to escape from people like that. Humanity fucking crawls with them like lice. But, it was still one of the funniest, most thought provoking movies ever. And it wasn’t Wes Anderson’s genius, goddamnit. It was Bill Murray doing what he does best - salvaging a turd.
There’s a weird enigma with Wes: the critics love this guy, but he makes, you know, comedies. Aren’t you intellectuals supposed to scorn comedy because it represents the moral decay of culture or something?
That brings up a good question, intellectuals: What are we supposed to hate when we’re smart? Borgois or Proletariats? Because you seem to hate both, and I don’t even think there is nobility anymore so I’m pretty sure that means you hate everyone. Except apparently yourself. Get a load of this shit:
What the fuck is that shit? Have I fucking gone insane or did he actually say that shit? In brown-nose light-sell Esquire no less. Jesus fucking Christ.
Scorsese, you make some OK movies, but fucking seriously. What the fuck is that shit? You need to stop hanging out with all the ass-kisses who call you a genius, or you’re just going to keep making fucking half-assed turds like Departed. What kind of bizarre fucked up suck-up world of delusion do you have to live in by giving a "compliment" like that?
Scorsese geniusly contemplating how many times he can include Rolling Stones hit ‘Gimme Shelter’ into his next feature film, turns on ‘The Classic Rock Morning Squad with Crazy Carl’ for continuing genius inspiration.
Ugly Sexy - Wes made Morticia Adams way uglier and older than she need to be. And Cameron Diaz, or whoever ‘boring blond pointless love interest’ was, some advice: flat and emotionless is definitely the way to deliver all your lines, it makes your character ‘edgy’ not ‘talentlessly underdeveloped by a shitty actress with fake boobs’.
Anti-Man Violence - Thanklessly absent from a movie that lays it on pretty thick to tries and seem smart.
Rock and Roll - Actually a pretty fucking good soundtrack for old songs. They even manage to stick in some Rolling Stones songs that haven’t been shoved down my throat my entire life. You know, Scorsese, he’s not the next you, he’s more talented. He can actually stick a Rolling Stones song in his movie that’s not from their abridged greatest-of. Believe it or not, there are more than fucking ten Rolling Stones Songs to put in your fucking movie.
Rotten Tomatoes Pull-Quote - You V and you ^ stop kissing Scorsese’s shark-jumped ass. I don’t wanna sit through another fucking Departed.
