The Big Smoke

Is there anyone under the age of 50 who still takes this piece of crap seriously? Are there even enough geriatrics alive to keep them in fucking business? I don’t give a shit what you think fucking rocks: Some dickhead with stupid hair hot-dogging on his guitar to a tick-tock quiet-assed drum playing the same fucking beat after 30 years never rocked you fucking tasteless cunts.

I give it my lowest possible rating of "David Lynch":

 

 PS: I’ve noticed my readership has been going up lately. This warms my heart but December is always fucking shitty, so it was probably unwise to start a blog right before December started. Don’t lose hope: Less half-assed posts soon.

 

After watching and carefully considering David Lynch’s intellectual masterpiece Lost Highway I’ve come to the conclusion that my one goal is to dwell on how bad that movie was. This wasn’t a conscious choice, but rather a burning B.F. Skinneresque fear. Every time something bad has happened to me in the last few days, from my aunt passing away to stubbing my toe really hard, I can’t help but associate it with that piece of crap film. I spent my entire Christmas day printing up the following poster, and pinning it up around town:

 

Do you know why? Because as a responsible Bush-hating Democrat, it is now my American patriotic responsibility to believe Mumia is a cold-blooded killer.  

It will be no surprise to you that politicians sometimes don’t keep their campaign promises, but usually they don’t also venture off into the surreal. Ok, the Democrats were supposed to:

1) Impeach George Bush

2) End all war and usher in a new era of peace and tolerance, which will not only end the darkest chapter in human history (a few payed soldiers getting killed in Iraq has nothing on the Holocaust!) and usher in a new epoch which humanity will remember always as its Golden Age.

3) Restore Habeas Corpus and all the other rights that have been stripped of freedom-loving Americans. 

Now let’s ignore the fact that most of these soldiers, if they weren’t getting blown up in Iraq, are so poor and uneducated and American, they would be homeless. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to America, but let me try and explain: Big cities in America are fucking swimming-pools of homeless children. Not regular homelessness, like in other countries. I’m talking about the kind of homelessness you’d be pressed to see in a Brazilian shanty-town.

If these American soldiers weren’t being payed to get blown up and decapitated, they’d be asking you for spare change (crack money). And if the average tolerance-loving Democrat was asked for spare change by one of these would-be soldiers, the average Democrat would kick the crack-head in the face, go home to watch Lost Highway, and meditate on how tolerant and un-Bush-like and intelligent they are.

The War in Iraq: The Only Thing Keeping America’s Streets Clean of Fucking Crack-Heads

But all that aside, what was the first action of the war-hating Democrats? Not to end the war or impeach Bush or restore basic human rights as they said, but rather to:

1)  Declare Mumia 100% guilty.

2) Threaten to declare war on France.

Now, why the fuck would you declare war on France? Even us France-lovers* can think of a lot of good reasons to declare war on France. The first thing that comes to mind is that the most American-critical country ever has a Secret Service which is hundreds of times more corrupt than the CIA actually has the competence to be.

*I <3 you France! But I can also morally justify killing you all. Just sayin’.

But the Democrats have managed to prove their hope-inspiring retardation in an embarrassingly public way by not even thinking of a good reason to declare war on France. Their reason: 

There’s a street in a small town in France you’ve never heard of called ‘Rue Mumia’.

Now I’m not even sure these small-town Frenchies have ever even heard of the Mumia, because in towns that small, you don’t fucking have electricity or even learn to read. Case in point: Australia. But, seriously, say it out loud with me: Rue Mumia! That is a fun fucking word to pronounce. And the American Congress wants to kill them, for that very reason. Gee, America, I wonder why everyone wants to blow you the fuck up?

For these and many many other reasons, I have Decided to establish a BLOG-SPECIFIC RATINGS-SYSTEM, WHICH OFFICIALLY MAKES ME PROFESSIONAL.

DRUNKEN BOXING??!?!??!?!?!? Best rating!

See "Seven Samurai"

Worst Ever

 

Every thing goes down one point for having any connection whatsoever to Scientology. Why?

1) Every movie a Scientologist has ever made, save ‘Get Shorty’ and ‘Pulp Fiction’, is only slightly less interesting than watching fucking dust settle. Keep in mind this is a religion where dead aliens are punished by having to watch good movies. They have a vested interest in keeping movies boring.

2) Yeah, I’m might tolerate your little Kool-Aide Cult a bit more if your God, L. Ron Hubbard, didn’t openly admit that you use lawsuits not to win, but stretch out the cases in order to drive people into bankruptcy, or as Hubbard himself put it "to harass". Great fucking sense of morality your fucking Religion/Philosophy has.

You know, I’m about the most tolerant person to ever live who wasn’t Gandhi, that adorable little Paki. I don’t even care if you make shitty movies. But the second you use reckless law-suits as a threat, you are the fuckhead cultist cunt of the universe. I believe in a little thing called Law, Order, Peace and Good Government, and when you intentionally undermine that not only to push your own agendas, but to literally and admittedly ruin people’s lives, you cross the fucking line. Tom Cruise, John Travolta, I can’t fucking wait till you kill yourselves for your fucked-up cult, you deranged fucking psychos.

 By the way, I live in Canada, the greatest fucking country on earth. Why is it so great? Because you can sue Scientologists for reckless law-suiting and win. Try and touch me here you fucking cunts.

So, as an example of my new system, here is an example review:

My Review of John Woo’s ‘The Killer’

Most perfect movie ever made in every way. At the end, I cried man tears of pure testosterone. But,

 

John Woo many years later made a movie with Tom Cruise, undermining most of his achievements.

My final rating:

 

I hate to sound like I think I’m so hip and ahead of the trends, but I hated Mel Gibson long before he was "officially" an asshole.

Merry Jews-See-A-Movie Day! In the spirit of the season, I’m going to try my hand at a review:

I just got through Lost Highway and I learnt a very important lesson: If I ever have a really really good and original idea for a film, but I can’t figure out a way to make that movie more than 15 minutes long, instead of busting my balls to think of more original content, I should just pad it out with plot elements and visuals stolen from really old Film Noire.

Do you know what it makes you when you try to pass of a hacky rip-off of old movies to the younger generation as a creative and ambiguous work of art? A cunt.

Cunt 
 
Luckily, this two hour fifteen minute joyride has about a one page script, which has, I’m guessing, a 1:1000 ratio of Dialogue to Director’s Notes, and in the spirit of the internet, I will spoil the "plot" for you. 
 
Lost Highway
By David Lynch
 
Characters

Dark, Dream-like Ambiance (the star!!)
Some lifeless, emotionless characters who reflect hollowness of the modern world (kudos to me, David Lynch, for coming up with this inspiring idea!!!)
 
Create Ambiance. Note to self: this should take a good twenty minutes at least.
 
Brief Tribute to Lengthy Foreplay
 
 BILL PULLMAN
How are you?
 
WIFE
Fine. 
 
BILL PULLMAN
But are you really fine, or is it all a complex illusion? (note to self: SUBTEXT GALORE! Good job, self! Also, maybe adding a blue pill/red pill choice might be good here)
  
Create More Ambiance. Note to self: The audience feels more sympathy for characters who don’t really talk that much and live in bare lifeless apartments.
 
Something happens… kind of. The eighth tape has meaning of some kind.
 
Have something interesting happen, but as it gets too interesting, go back to more ambiance, because by this point the audience might actually have actually been paying attention to the plot for the last fifteen minutes, and forget that this movie is MOODY. Note to self: Mood equals art. 
 
BILL PULLMAN
Boy, I wish there were some other wife-killers in this State. This sure is a lonely prison! (Subtext: Society/Bad Relationships are a prison!!! A prison… OF SOLITUDE!!! …OF THE SOUL!!!) 
 
BILL PULLMAN vanishes, and the vaguely interesting movie becomes vaguely a rip off of black and white movies.
 
Car suddenly takes a —-> Detour <—— 
 
BIG LIP WOMAN IN DRESS
Is that a gun in your pocket?… Lover, kill my ex-lover and we’ll take the money and move away and be happy (lol not really)… Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations - B - Billy Wilder Page 385… Oh shit I wasn’t supposed to read that part.
 
 The rest of the movie should be a crappy music video for Nine Inch Nails or something. GOTHY TEENS relate to the PAIN IN THEIR SOUL and cut their WRISTS.
 
In the end, the guy is dead face down in the pool, regretting his love, just like at the beginning. Police look onward.
 

 
THE END… ?
 
I thought there might be a few minutes of this film that weren’t either ripped off or pseudo-artsy gibberish, but I just missed it somehow while I was out peeing. So, in an effort to make sure this movie really was retarded, my first stop was the horse’s mouth, Wikipedia!:
 

"This (some medical condition) was something I researched with a clinical psychologist at Stanford, so we had some basis in fact here. After we found that freedom, more or less it was just a matter of creating this surreal, fantastic world that Fred Madison lives in when he becomes Peter Dayton."
 
Hey guys, I’m such an intelligent film-maker that I went to a real life Scientist at Standford and asked him what his favourite Film Noire was. Hahaha just kidding! By "researched" what I meant to say was "read in a Reader’s Digest".
 

  "He is not consigned to this fate forever… He is not traveling in a circle, but rather a spiral, and at the end of the film moves round onto the next level. Maybe eventually he can find release. The film is only a small part of the story."
 
THE END…? Gee, thanks David Lynch! Not being an intelligent film-maker myself, I didn’t pick up on that subtle and dynamic turn!
 

 "Then I told Barry about this series of things that came to me one night. The very last night of shooting Fire Walk With Me these things shot into my head. I was driving home with Mary Sweeney and I told her about them. What I told her sort of scared her and it sort of scared me too. And when I told them to Barry he said, ‘Jeez, I really like that,’ and that was the start of a brand-new direction."
 
Name-dropping "It’s Pat" legend Mary Sweeny, you old card? Wow! It’s amazing that despite the brave and rebellious stance against Hollywood commercialism you take, you can still so easily socialize with the big stars!
 
BTW, "I’M SO BRILLIANT I SCARE MYSELF!" Fuck you, David Lynch.
 
—- 

The following are not things that Lynch himself has said, but rather pull-lines I got from various critics. I thought I would continue to use my Lynch image, just to remind you who these fuck-ups are talking about, and what kind of pretentious shit would like this kind of masturbation.

Best on the big screen for the full effect. Consume alcohol afterwards.
 
For the record, anyone young and Goth enough to enjoy this film is too underage to buy alcohol, or even get away with using a fake ID. This includes continental Europe where you only have to be nine years-old to buy absinthe. 
 

If one wishes to make sense of this film, it would have to be done on a metaphorical level.
 
In the spirit of the season, let me tell you the Jesus’ Parable of the Fucking Thief: The Shepherd madeth one good film in the seventies, and instead of bowingeth out after running out of ideas, he copieth and pasteth old scripts, which he pads with hours of pointless mood-setting nothing in order to present himself as an anti-hollywood visionary. In this case, it’s not only OK to cast the first stone, but do me the favour and cast it right at his nuts! Amen.
 

  (Lost Highway) Continues David Lynch’s efforts to make us connoisseurs of mystery rather than robots of reason.
 
Were you waiting for it? I was. Every time someone makes an unusual piece of entertainment, immediately every fucking armchair revolutionary comes out and hails it as fighting the fucking man and taking a vicious blow at the establishment! Take that, the man! A blurry close-up shot of who fucking knows what! The man must really be shaking in his boots now!
 
You know, with all the movies and songs that have fought the man over the years, you’d think the government would no longer be corrupt, and society would no longer have any conformity. Fuck? What’s fucking not working about this? I better write a fucking song to speed up the long march towards freedom RIGHT NOW!
 
Last but most retarded:
 

 Famously, the film received "two thumbs down" from Siskel and Ebert — though Lynch used this to his advantage by claiming it was "two good reasons to go and see Lost Highway."
 
Yeah, thanks cuntrag. Way to fight Hollywood commercialism by doing so much to fight the negative stereotype of artsy filmmakers being pretentious cunts with no creativity.
 
You know what’s funny about that? Siskel and Ebert (Ebert and Roper etc) may praise Hollywood films, but they also trash crappy Hollywood films and praise good indy and foreign films. They don’t give a shit about your Ramstein and black-makeup-driven battle against conformity, they want to see a movie that doesn’t suck balls. In fact, from now on, before I read any review by any critic, my new pre-req will be to make sure they hated that piece of shit Lost Highway; otherwise I just can’t take them seriously.
 
I’m not saying there weren’t some good parts about this film. It could have been a masterpiece if Lynch had spent a little more time thinking and a little less time staring into the mirror, cock in hand, repeating "Damn you’re a genius." My point is, the next time I watch a movie like this, there better be a guy and two robots at the bottom of the screen telling me what a piece of shit it is. 

I’m pretty fucking boring. How boring? I’m boring enough to write websites about George Bush in which I create hilarious subtle social commentary image macros saying "I’m A Pedo" in order to vilanize him to the point that it’s hard to take his actual wrongs seriously because his detractors are such big fucking morons:

I’m actually boring enough to criticize bands for selling out. For example: REM sold out because they apparently realized their jobs are going to have to make them enough money to eat. Suicide or living off your parents at the ripe old age of 50 are the only true ways to be a socialist. MUSIC WILL CHANGE THE SYSTEM! …..ZIIIING!!!

But I’m still not boring enough to complain that Christmas has been commercialized. But I will say this: It should not take me eight fucking hours to buy a 50 cent stamp. Do you know how much money I could make in eight hours, even at minimum wage? More than a fucking fifty cent stamp is worth. Fuck you Christmas.

On another note, this page doesn’t get many interesting comments that aren’t about making your penis hard in one way or another, but when it does they’re whoppers. Ok, seriously, I believe the ethics guy was the actual ethics guy, because he wrote like he writes on his site: With basic English literacy. But I find it hard to believe that Norm MAcDonald would actually ego-search his name, or, for that part, have enough time between ‘thinking about Penis’ and ‘thinking about penis’ to actually fucking BlogSearch his fucking name, or for that matter, learn how to use the internet, home of 4chan and Space Ghetto. HAY NORM MACDONALD, PENIS.

In all seriousness, the real Norm MacDonald actually made semi-decent and very underrated movies. The fact that someone would pretend to be the real Norm Macdonald in order to cyber with me is depressing at the very least. Fuck You, Fake Norm MacDonald.

 Penis,

Caio 

It’s come to my attention that if the film "Man on the Moon, you had a bit role playing the part of Michael  Richards.

Norm, tell us the truth. Are you an anti-semite? 

Do you know what pisses me off? When people don’t realize that books don’t work as movies. Books are experienced differently from films. A good adaptation is always possible, but it’s going to have to be changed to suit the very, very different medium.

That famous director dude people love that made "The Shining" understood this. I always hear bitchy fanboys/fangirls bemoan how oppressively oppressive and life shattering the film was. You know what? I saw that movie without having read the book, and I thought it was one of the best horror movies ever. I read the book a few years later, and I said to myself, "Yeah, they changed it a lot, and took out half the book, but what an ugly convoluted movie a loyal adaption of this very nice book would have made."

 
I just found out that Terry Gilliam, of Monty Python/12 Monkeys/Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas-fame, was J.K. Rowling’s first choice as director of the Harry Potter films, and he wanted in. But, the studio refused and instead went with Christopher Columbus, of Home Alone/Bicentennial Man fame. Why? Probably because Christopher Columbus has no fucking imagination, and would make movies for the book fans, and not try to make a good movie.

I’ve never read the books, and I fucking hated the first three Harry Potter movies, though I was dragged to them all by fangirls. Do you know why the fanboys liked those movies? Because it reminded them of how good the books were. They didn’t have to enjoy them as films because they knew every fucking detail anyway. Now, Goblet of Fire I really liked. It was really well paced, for one, which the other movies lacked entirely. It was a movie in it’s own right, not mearly a shadow of a book. But how did the fanboys react?

The greatest disappointment of all though? I just found out that in the Tim Burton Batman film, The Joker was supposed to be played David Bowie. I don’t know what part of otherwise talented Tim Burton’s brain compelled him to not follow up on this inspiration, but I’m guessing it’s the same part that lead him to make Planet of the Apes. Whatever, I blame the comic book fanboys.

I keep seeing things like this article.

Get it straight. Six million Jews died in the Holocaust. At least nine million people died in the holocaust. My own grandfather, a Catholic Pole, was in a concentration camp. About half the European population of Gypsies died.

I hate to be nitpicky, but that’s just something everyone should know. Is the holocaust not an important enough event that we should be making this kind of mistake?