I’m Moving, Fuckers
Blogsome is too fucking buggy. And too fucking laggy. I can’t take this motherfucking shit anymore. I’m moving my blog and my business to
Jurassic Park - 95th Best Movie
Director: Steven Spielberg Starring: Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series.
He sounded South African to me, so I can’t tell if the Robert Muldoon was a razor-sharp commentary on Apartheid or on the late politician Robert Muldoon, or as us internet pundits call him "The Kiwi Thatcher".
I’m not too good for Spielberg films. In fact, I like a lot of Spielberg movies. Except when he’s being a fucking cunt. What I’m talking about is when he said that ‘Life is Beautiful’ was laughing at the Holocaust, while claiming in the same breath that he hadn’t seen it and would never see it.
First off: Criticizing a movie you’ve never fucking seen?
Second off: ‘Life is Beautiful’ was easily the most heart-breaking holocaust/WWII movie of all time. ‘Schindler’s List’ and ‘Saving Private Ryan’, on the other hand, were nothing but fake, canned emotion. Those two films are fucking blatant exploitation: Spielberg profited more off the Holocaust than Hitler ever did.
Schindler’s List was especially bad for fake Hollywood emotion. It was like watching a fucking Very Special Episode of Full House.
But Jurassic Park is Spielberg doing what he does best: Making mindless blockbusters, and damn is this this a classic. It’s also proof that CGI doesn’t have to suck ass. I don’t know what happened to the industry, that when CGI came out, they threw their arms up in the air and said, "The Age of Professionalism is Over! We’ll never have to do good special effects again!"
Jurassic Park uses heavy CGI and it looks ten times less phony than any CGI films that’s come in the last ten years. And this was fucking 1993, he was using some primitive technology. And check this shit out:
"I’m still amused by people who somehow think that when you use cyber-technology or digital technology in movies, suddenly it’s ‘fake’ — but when you look at a scene in here in Jabba’s palace, now there’s some digital characters in here, but they’re no more or less fake than all the other characters in here. I mean, is a digital character more fake than a big fat rubber character?" - GEORGE FUCKING LUCAS
Did I fucking hear that properly? Or have I gone fucking insane? I know movies aren’t reality, but there’s such a thing as putting out a professional fucking product. The Star Wars prequels looked like an F- film school project. And it’s not because of CGI itself, it’s because of your lack of talent as a film maker.
George Lucas is a fucking hack. Everything good about Star Wars was either someone else’s idea, or ripped off from a Japanese film. And that fuckhead has so much sway in the industry that he can not only prevent Japanese films from having mainstream releases in the West (presumably so he can steal from them some more), but he has actually ruined special effects forever. Fuck you, Lucas.
In conclusion, Jurassic Park is a very good movie. Five stars.
Ugly Sexy - Laura Dern is a good actress, but she’s not that hot, and ‘I Am Sam’?! I can’t believe I actually watched that shit, you cunt. That was almost as fake as a Spielberg WWII movie.
Anti-Establishment - There’s some shit about scientists, and man playing God, but you can fast-forward through those parks. Akira did it better.
Never try and step up to Akira, motherfucking amature!
Rock and Roll - Just some mainly quiet film-score music here. Spielberg doesn’t actually like listening to music, he prefers the sound of his own smug self-satisfaction.
Legit Mickey Mouse Suicide
Generously borrowed from this site. I hope this doesn’t break the sidebar for any of you IE users. If so tell me and I’ll fix it.
On An Added Note…
I just read Bianca’s post on English-Language reinovator Wiliam Quick, and I found this at the top of every page on his site:
And at the bottom of every post, check out this widget bloat bullshit:
Counterfeit Accomplis
Interweb, I want to share with you a labour-saving device that rivals the hair curling iron, the vacuum cleaner, and the electric kettle - put together - in the sheer amount of basking in the warm glow of unearned leisure it brings. I’d talk this marvel up until you’re fit to burst with the suspense, but personally I’m more excited than a fangirl hearing on the gapevine of a new Johnny Depp flick. So, without further ado, I bring you Recoining.
"The term Blogosphere was coined on Septermber 10, 1999 by Brad L. Graham, as a joke. It was re-coined in 2002 by William Quick and was quickly adopted and propagated by the warblog community" (Wikipedia)
I’m sure I don’t need to link you to Quick’s blog to show where he trumpets his innovative achievement, as the fame of his deed echoes across the Blogosphere at a level where if internetters weren’t so into porn and other forms of self-stimulation they’d have composed the epic of e-Cid about him.
And rightly so!
Think about it. Instead of sweating over the futile task of being original in a world where nothing is original, all one needs to do is take any term and re-coin it. Ingenious.
I’m pondering just which word to roll through the counterfeiter. There are so many, after all, to choose from. "The"? No, silly. "Pop Culture"? Possibly. To be honest, I’m not pondering, but hitting a wall. I suppose it’s not the concept so much as the process of stamping one’s own head on the counterfeit coin that I’m having trouble with. Re-coining, I suspect, takes a far harder and larger (I’d say Regal) head than I possess.
One day, maybe, I’ll get there, and at least I know that there’s a lot of eager consumers out there willing to use counterfeit culture to buy life’s little luxuries. Until then I have people like William Quick to admire, and so do you. There is something truly great to aspire to still.
Isn’t that a reassuring thought?
Ah! MEGAMI-SAMA DRINKING GAME
Now that the new season of American Idol has come out, I’ve sadly had to delete all my fucking RSS feeds because not a single blogger on the web can refrain from giving me the fucking play-by-play.
Hey, man, I liked American idol as well, about two, three years ago. But it’s the same fucking thing for six years. Even if I do still catch it once in a while, do I really need to hear your detailed description of someone singing like a fool? Sorry, but the written word just doesn’t capture that.
So, as a tribute to TV that isn’t a million years old, a drinking game for the Wuthering Heights of Modern Japan:
"BERUDANDI!!!" = One Shot
"KEIICHI-SAN!" = Two Shots
Men in Black - 96th Best Movie
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Rip Torn, Girl Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series.
Men in Black star Rip Torn is Best Known for his Role on ‘The Larry Sanders Show’. A comedy about the industry?! It’s like I’m laughing with the stars!
There’s nothing more I love watching than Rich Actors bitch about their jobs! It must be so difficult reading lines on camera, and then making millions of dollars!
Some of you might have a bias against Men In Black, and I don’t blame you. I remember for a few years there, you couldn’t go a fucking minute without hearing those stupid fucking Will Smith songs. Especially ‘Gettin’ Jiggy With It’. Why the fuck do they play songs so much like that? Even if it’s a good song, do you think I’m going to go out and buy the CD when I hear that song everywhere I go, or every time I turn on the radio? Do I need to hear "Jiggy" in my sleep as well? That’s a rhetorical question, because when you play the same retarded song that often, I start to hear it in my fucking nightmares.
This is a hilarious comedy (or ‘an hilarious comedy’ as we film critics say), with lots of cools special effects and so on, but the thing that really makes this film a classic is all the retarded closplayers you get when you do an image search. Even better than the cosplayers is the fucks who cleverly spoof this movie by wearing a suit, or black clothing.
A-hahaha! They’re priests! They’re Men in Black! A-haha! Good one Guys!
Avoid the sequel if possible. It has it’s moments, but for the most part it’s a turd. Speaking of Sonnenfeld sequels, avoid, at every fucking cost, that piece of shit ‘Adams Family Values’. Come to think of it, Sonnenfeld is lucky to have make two or three good movies considering he’s not much more than a Tim Burton-wannabe. I like a lot of Burton films, but you could easily pick a less gothy idol. Suicide time-bomb isn’t something to aspire to, man.
However, one reviewer, Mick LaSalle, or as he’ll be known to posterity, "Einstein TIMES INFINITY", was brave enough to defy even his Mensa group and pan this movie:
‘At times, it may succeed at manipulating you, but you won’t like it."
HOLY SHIT! God forbid someone trick me into being entertained! Once I thought I enjoyed myself watching a movie, and it turns out it was all a clever ruse! I felt like I’d been raped!
And do you know what the point of reading a review is, fuckhead? It’s to hear your opinion, not what you think mine will be. I already know my fucking opinion, asshole. For example: In my opinion, the Chronicle should throw your ass on the street.
But seriously, thank you for telling me what I think, White Jesus.
"Men in Black'’ is summer fluff that admits to being summer fluff, but it’s no better off for admitting it… Sonnenfeld uses odd angles and wide lenses to view the action with a sardonic eye, as if the onscreen events were a joke between director and audience. But if “Men in Black'’ is a joke, who’s the joke on?"
I think he just tried to out-wink you, Men-in-Black. What a wonderful Yin and Yang: Sometimes a great success is just as entertaining as a spectacular fail. Let me try to be a critic, "Who’s the joke on? Why, the consumer who just payed fifty cents for this newspaper! Haha, good show!"
Finally we figure out what our fine Mr. LaSalle didn’t like about the film:
"After the laughs comes the uneasiness. The men in black make the shenanigans in the Nixon White House look naive, a pair of Constitution-flouting functionaries as heroes. At one point, K explains to young Agent J that the public must be protected from itself, that people do not need to know the truth."
What the fuck?!?!? This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in my life. Nixon? "Constitution-Flouting"? Listen, Dr. LaSalle, this film is a parody of what stupid people believe, and if that offends your sense of ethics, maybe it’s time to look deep within.
It takes a special kind of prick to use a review about a UFO-comedy to write a scathing condemnation of a dude that no one likes, and who by that time had already been dead a few years. Hey, the next movie I’m going to review is "Run, Lola, Run!" And I’m using it as an opportunity to show that tyrant Augustus what for!
I found this delightful gem doing an image search: Fat-Cracker and Whitey (pictured) Charm their Way into our Hearts and Funnybones in this Spot-on Internet Parody of a Blockbuster Film!
Ugly-Sexy - The chick is pretty hot, actually, and a good actress. She single-handedly salvaged that heavy-handed swing-and-miss Dogma. But she’s not really in this one too much. I hate it when they use a pretty girl as a prop. Like, either write a decent character, or fore-go boobies in your movie. If I want to see boobs for no other reason than to see boobs, I have heaps of porn bookmarked. I watch a comedy to laugh not to masturbate.
Oh, and that knowing smirk? Don’t fucking do that please.
Anti-Establishment - Not only not anti-establishment, but it manages to piss off people who still have a bone to pick with Nixon, or at least it manages to piss off paranoid psychos like Mark LaSalle, who presumably lives in some unibomber shack in the woods still gritting his teeth that this movie would mock the horrible truths about Nixon shredding Area 51 documents that he’s || this close to uncovering.
This From a Site that Made me Scream "What the Fuck Kind of Parents?" Ladies and Gentlemen, We’re Looking at the Next JonBenet Ramsey.
Rock and Roll - The music here is shit. As soon as you see the credits coming press stop. I already spend the entire latter half of the nineties listening to that retarded song.
Rotten Tomatoes Pull-Quote - I enjoyeth this film as one enjoys watching a small child complete a crossword puzzle! Amusing only in its primitive barbarism! Jolly good! Well I never!
Massive Fucking Shark
Normally I hate blogs that have link-only posts, but THIS one is worth it. That’s the most insane looking fish I’ve ever seen.
-Caio
Who the Fuck?
Who the fuck cares about my health so much that it bothers them I smoke at home, or in the alley behind my work? For all the ever-loving care they exude upon me, for the healthy decades they want to add to my life, where are all these people when I need it? If all of you anti-smoking activists really want to do me a favour, give me some money when I’m broke. Fill in for me at work. Help me do my taxes. Because from my point of view, all you folks are doing is condemning me to an extra-long life of shit and stress, and taking away my primary form of relaxation.
I know second-hand smoke is unhealthy, and you’ll catch me dead before you catch me smoking around non-smokers. And I’d never smoke in front of kids. If I see a kid, I hide my cigarette, even if it burns my hand. And if I smoke in public, I find a hidden place to do it. I don’t want to blow smoke in people’s face - it’s rude to make people smell you.
A) Smoking Makes You Hot. B) Ugly People are Bitter and Complain about Stupid Shit that Doesn’t Affect them Personally. C) ??? I don’t want to draw any conclusions based on what we educated people call a "syllogism" but I’m just sayin’…
I’m young, so I haven’t been in the workforce for decades, but I remember when I was guaranteed, by law, five minutes an hour. Now I get thirty minutes every four hours unless I’ve got a boss who smokes as well and feels some sympathy.
There was a time when people who worked office jobs were not only allowed to smoke, but to drink. Seriously. They weren’t allowed to get pissed, but they could sip on something to calm their nerves. Us modern folk are working the same jobs, same hours, and we can’t smoke or drink? All we have is coffee, and I don’t know about you but coffee makes me a fuck of a lot more fucking tense, man. You expect me to do quality work, and you provide me no means of marginalizing the stress and focusing on what I’m fucking doing? Fuck you, man.
Why do you think people spend all day at work not doing shit but surfing the net and sending knock-knock joke e-mails. If you’ve got a four+ hour stretch of nothing but work, you’re not going keep your focus that long, without some kind of release. I can sip a drink as I work, and I can run out for five minutes to smoke, but if I loose my focus and start sending retarded joke e-mails, I’m done for that four hours. There’s your productivity issues right there man.
And fuck a long life. You know, I still have a longer life ahead of me smoking than most of humanity has ever been gifted - longer than most people alive today can expect. Ever been to an old-world museum with graves? The average peasant (nearly everyone) was damned lucky to make it to thirty years of age. If I can make it to even 45 smoking, that’s still a blessed gift from modern civilization. I’m not gonna get greedy and beg for eighty.
So here’s my question to you, internet: Who are these people who don’t want me to smoke in an alley, or in the comfort of my own home, or to drink at work? They must have stress. They must live in the real world. How do they let it out so they can live their lives? I’ll tell you: They fuck shit up for other people under the bullshit excuse of ‘caring about humanity’. Those pussies who care about humanity are doing nothing but laughing with schadenfreude.
Motherfucking Wordpress
If you ever start a blog of your own, don’t use wordpress. Here’s why:
You might have noticed my Pulp Fiction article made no fucking sense at all. I wasn’t trying to be impressionistic there: Fucking Wordpress fucked it up. You see, I wrote my post in notepad, and copied/pasted it, and for some fucking reason, when you copy/paste onto wordpress, entire paragraphs don’t show fucking up. And now that I’ve fixed it, for some reason it italicizes half the article, and I can’t make it stop.
I’m seriously going to look for a new host for this blog. Wordpress, Blogsome: Fuck you, you cunts.
